Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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