you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
