I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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