come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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