The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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