Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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