Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
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Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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