...so i touched it.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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