Whats the glycemic index on semen?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
