my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
