how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I think I just sharted jello shots
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