Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
