for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
