I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
