im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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