my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
