she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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