Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
