I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
