If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize