I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
