I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm like, not good at living.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
