why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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