Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
