i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
this is an emotional support booty call
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