youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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