So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
