I think my fart just growled at me.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
