Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
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I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
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It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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