I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My feet surprised me
Randomize
