Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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