I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
