Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
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He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
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took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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