I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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