we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
