new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
