i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
