So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
