Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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