you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
