dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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