No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
