Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
