I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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