apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
