its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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