so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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