I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
