It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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