So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
