The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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