he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
