nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
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I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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