the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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