She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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