We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
