a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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