If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
